A Mayo Clinic chaplain offers her advice on supporting and comforting a loved one with a terminal illness.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

How might your relationship with a loved one change once he or she is diagnosed with a terminal illness?

Each person is unique, and each person’s journey with a terminal illness is very individual. Relationships usually don’t change when people are faced with bad news. It’s important to build on the strengths of the relationship that were in place before the terminal illness came about. It’s also important to be open to possibilities during this dynamic time. Sometimes people experience healing in their relationships and find this time to be some of the richest of their lives.

How do you know if you should ask questions or prompt a person with a terminal illness to open up?

Based on your relationship, you may be the best judge of how your loved one copes. If you’re by the bedside of someone you love, let that person know that you’re willing to listen — to hear his or her concerns. It’s important, though, that loved ones be loved ones and not try to be counselors. Never underestimate the value of your presence. Even if it feels as though you are not doing anything, being present sends the message, “I am here. I will not abandon you.”

Is there a typical emotional process that a person with a terminal illness goes through?

Numerous theories about grief and the experience of grieving have been developed and published. Having a clearer understanding of a process can make it seem less intimidating and can even give us a sense that we are more in control of it. But dying is not a science. Don’t assume that your loved one with a terminal illness is going to go through a methodical process of coming to terms with death, such as denial, anger, and so on. It may not happen that way. Sometimes well-meaning people try to push the one with a terminal illness through these stages of death and dying. That’s not helpful.

Many theories on grief include the notion of acceptance as the most desirable outcome of a grief process. A better description might be accommodation — learning to live as fully as possible, while accommodating to the presence of this terminal illness in your life. But do you have to accept that you have a terminal illness? Do you have to accept that you’re going to die before you thought you would? No, you don’t.

How do you deal with a loved one who’s in denial about his or her impending death?

Denial is an important coping mechanism and has been described as a form of terror management. We deny because the reality is too frightening, too overwhelming or too much of a threat to our sense of control. Denial is a form of natural protection that allows us to let reality in bit by bit. It allows us to continue living as we contemplate death.

The person who’s dying may be afraid of the pain that might be ahead. Or perhaps the person is afraid of losing control of his or her bodily functions, mind or autonomy. The person may also fear abandonment or becoming a burden to others.

To provide emotional and spiritual support for people in denial, I invite them to talk about their fears. Sometimes it’s easier for the dying person to share what he or she is afraid of and explore it with someone other than a family member. In my role as a chaplain, I can often help reduce the intensity of fear, whereas the person who’s dying may feel the need to protect his or her spouse or child from this type of discussion. If your loved one knows you’re willing to talk about these concerns, however, your discussion can provide a wonderful opportunity for mutual support.

What else can I do for my loved one who’s dying?

You can encourage your loved one to talk about his or her life — what is referred to as life review. These are those marvelous stories that get told around the campfire. I may ask a man to tell me how he met his wife. Sometimes, when adult children are present, it’s amazing to find out they’ve never heard these stories. Some families record these conversations as a way of eventually honoring the memory of their loved one.

How important is it for you to keep a vigil by your loved one when he or she is near death?

Sometimes circumstances make it possible for you to keep a vigil by your loved one before his or her death. This can be a very sacred but very draining experience. Never underestimate the power of your presence. Just being present, even while feeling helpless or powerless, can be an important source of strength and comfort for your loved one and for you. And there are times during the vigil when you can provide assistance, such as making certain your loved one’s pain and symptoms are addressed and that he or she has access to the spiritual resources he or she may need.

Also remember to touch your loved one. The amount of touching a dying person receives tends to decrease as others observe the person to be closer to death. There’s nothing more reassuring than touch. I’ve seen people massage lotion into the hands and feet of a dying person, or rub the person’s head. Even if there seems to be no outward indication, your loved one may be aware of your touch and take comfort in it.

If you’re awaiting the death of an adult child, talking about what your loved one was like as a child can be comforting. What do you remember most? The goal of this kind of engagement is to make and honor memories, to get resolution, and to affirm that the life of the dying person mattered and will be remembered.

Keeping a vigil can be really difficult. It’s an uncharacteristic type of work for which most of us don’t receive preparation. So it’s a good idea for the person keeping the vigil to take care of herself or himself. Take breaks, accept others’ support, drink plenty of fluids, try to get some rest, eat meals. All that emotional upheaval can be exhausting. If you feel overwhelmed, consider getting a respite worker or a patient care assistant to help provide the physical care so that you can continue to be there emotionally for your loved one.

Is it appropriate to tell your loved one that it’s all right to let go?

Sometimes it appears as though the dying person is having difficulty letting go. Perhaps the experience isn’t evolving the way you thought it would. Perhaps it’s taking longer than you anticipated. People die in their own time. Whether someone really holds on until the last son arrives, for example, we have no way of proving, even if it seems that way. If you think someone is hanging on for your sake, it’s OK to tell the person that you will be all right and that he or she can let go. Sometimes we expect ourselves to be present at the time of death. We can’t control this. Perhaps the dying person is more in charge of this than we know.

What advice do you have for people who are grieving?

When I’m sitting with people who are keeping a vigil for a loved one who’s dying or who has died, they often say that it feels like a bad dream. Feelings of grief, loss and sadness come in waves. Emotions can feel overwhelming, making even simple tasks seem difficult for a time. This is all normal. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be unable to function for the rest of your life. It means that right now most of what you can do is grieve. It’s part of being human and part of loving. Grief is the natural response to loving and feeling loss. Remember that grief does not necessarily begin at the time of death. The grieving process can begin as the illness progresses and normal roles change or get lost.

If you’re concerned that you’re spending too much time grieving and are unable to function, or others have expressed concern about you, consider seeking professional mental health support. Grief can be likened to a journey that one has to travel though. If it seems you’re getting stuck on that journey, getting some help may be beneficial.

What do you tell people who are struggling with guilt?

Guilt is a normal part of grieving. Did I do the right thing? Could I have done more? Was I there enough? Did I say the right things?

At a time like this, you’re especially vulnerable to guilt. Feeling guilt in the wake of a loss allows us to take an inventory of ourselves. Most of the time we’ll come to some peace and the guilt will fade. You may need someone to talk to who can listen to you as you work through this part of grief.

Thank you to Mary E. Johnson, Mayo Clinic Chaplain

Children are aware of death, nature sees to that through seeing dead animals by the road, dead birds, dead bugs, even with flowers and trees, and even on television.  Even our fairy tales have inserted death as a part of life and our children are aware of it.  Hospicenet.org has a wonderful article about talking with children about death. 

Between ages of five and nine, most children realize death is final and all living things die, yet death is not yet personal.  Ages nine or ten through adolescence, children comprehend that death is irreversible, and they too will die some day.  Controlling their mortality seems to be part of their reaction of death.  No matter how children cope with death they need sympathetic and nonjudgmental responses from adults.  Listening carefully and watching are vital ways to learn how to respond to the needs of children.

Long stories or ‘lectures’ about death will only confuse a child and yourself and needs to be avoided.  Children may ask ‘odd’ questions of adults but children need to be heard….honest, unemotional and simple answers are needed.  Take time with a child to explain what you feel about death as you see it; and keep it simple.

©HospiceNet.org

Consider Professional Counseling

You will need to work through the process of grieving. While many people handle their grief by suppressing it, this is not a healthy way of coping. You need to acknowledge and work through your feelings. However, those feelings may not surface easily. A trained professional with experience in grief counseling can help you identify and work through your feelings. If you are coping with death of a child, do not be ashamed or afraid to reach out for professional help.

Join a Support Group

Whether or not you seek professional counseling, a grief support group is essential. You may feel like you are the only person in the world who has ever lost a child. You may suddenly feel cut off and isolated from those around you. Your friends and relatives are likely unsure what to say or how to comfort you. Joining a support group will put you in contact with others who truly understand what you are facing.

The realization that other parents have lived through the situation and found ways of coping with the death of a child can make you feel less hopeless. You will find sympathetic parents who are willing to listen and allow you to grieve without judgment.

Take Each Day in Manageable Slices

Do not try to answer the unanswerable question “how will I live through this?” Instead, focus on getting through small chunks of time. In the first days, you may need to measure time hour by hour or even minute by minute. Each minute that you live through is a success. Even when the grief and pain seem overwhelming, time does continue to pass. As a particularly bad wave of grief subsides, look at the clock. Congratulate and reward yourself for making it through that period.

Assign yourself small, manageable tasks. Paying a bill and spending an hour with a friend are successes. Make a small to-do list and reward yourself for accomplishing each task. Do not punish yourself for not completing your entire list.

Listen to Your Body

You are likely to have extreme difficulty sleeping and eating normally. However, your body will tell you what it needs. If you are tired, take a nap. If you are hungry, eat something, even if it is not the healthiest choice. Give yourself permission to do the things you need to do. Your body is working through extreme stress, so its needs will be different than normal.

Stay Healthy

While your body will tell you what it needs, helping it along is important. Try to eat regularly even if you do not feel hungry. Grazing on light snacks throughout the day may be easier than dealing with large, heavy meals. Drink plenty of water. Stay away from drugs or alcohol, which will ultimately make you feel worse. Stay on any normal medications that you take, but let your doctor know what has happened. Your medications may need to be adjusted. Be sparing with any over-the-counter medications that you take. They are likely to affect you differently at this time.

Try to get a bit of exercise every day. Even a short walk around the block can clear your head and give you strength to continue. This is not the time to try to set a record in the gym, but light exercise will help keep you healthy and help your body adjust to the stress.

Accept Your Feelings

Your feelings may come randomly, in waves. You may feel okay one minute, devastated the next and furious the moment after that. This is normal and expected. You will likely lose periods and feel out of it, as if everything is happening around you and not to you. You may experience sensory distortion. This is all a normal part of the grieving process. Grief does not occur in a straight line, and the grief process lasts for many years. You may feel much better, and then experience a setback.

Accept the feelings as they come and do not judge yourself.

Avoid Major Decisions

You should never make any major decisions for at least a year following major trauma. When coping with the death of a child, you may start to wonder if there are things you can do to make yourself feel better. Avoid the urge to do anything drastic. Selling your house, leaving your job or moving to another state will not help. You may want to do one or more of those things later, after you have worked through your grief. For now, however, maintain the status quo. Major changes are stressful and adding more stress to your life is counterproductive to the healing process. Allow yourself the chance to heal.

Reach Out to Your Partner

Historically, the belief has been that a marriage cannot survive coping with the death of a child, but according to CompassionateFriends.org, there is no reason that this must be so. Grief can actually bring a couple closer together if they embrace each other’s pain. Grief can magnify pre-existing problems in a relationship, so if you have difficulties consider visiting a marriage counselor. Otherwise, simply reach out to one another, accept the differences in your grief processes and work together toward healing.

Create Memorial Rituals

It is a myth that it is possible to “get over” a death. The best that families can achieve is getting through the process. One of the most difficult aspects to deal with is the reality that the person will never again be part of family life.

Creating rituals to acknowledge the deceased child, therefore, can assist in this transition. Do not create a shrine to the child, cold and still, but find ways to keep the child’s essence alive. Giving back is a way that many people find helps in coping with the death of a child. Organize a scholarship fund in the child’s name. Make a donation to a cause that the child favored. Provide support to others who are just beginning their journey of grief. Whatever you do, your contribution will help you to find a new sense of purpose while keeping your child’s memory alive.

Coping with the death of a child is an incredibly difficult task. You must face life at your own pace. Reach out to family and friends, join a support group and reinvest in your family. Whenever you feel ready, you can start looking for ways to honor the child’s memory. Do not let anyone force you to move at any speed other than your own. Taking the time and space to work through your feelings is critical to finding purpose in your life. You can do it, even in chunks of one minute at a time.

By Lisa Fritscher, LifeScript.com

Losing a loved one is difficult regardless of whom it is but there is something about the death of a child that violates the natural order of things. Many experts say losing a child is like losing the center of your life. Our expectations of outliving our parents is something we understand to be a normal flow of living, and even with the death of a parent, a sibling, or even a spouse it does not affect us the same way as the death of a child.

This is not something most people can handle on their own and counseling is highly recommended. A grief support group is also an essential avenue to assist you in working through your grief. All of a sudden it’s like a thick fog dropped in front of you and your body only feels a numbness surrounded by a darkness never experienced before; you are unable to move, to think, to breathe, to speak….life has stopped. Questions of ‘why’ run rampant in your head making no sense; all you know is the pain is immense and heavy. Dr. Charles Raison, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavior sciences at Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta, GA said the loss of a child is ‘the most painful loss that humans can sustain.”

The biggest question of ‘how will I get through this?’ is overwhelming. Try to focus on taking on smaller segments of time to get through a day. Listen to your body when it tells you to rest…do it, take a nap, eat something…you are working through a stress never experienced before and your body’s needs are different at this time. Stay away from negative foods, drink and people. If you are on daily medication, be sure to take your meds and let your doctor know what has happened. This kind of trauma can negatively affect the body.

We learned years ago to never make a major decision for at least a year following any major trauma. Reach out to your partner, your history together can survive such a traumatic loss; share your pain with one another. Try to remember grief has no time frame so go at your own pace in your grieving process. Sometimes joining a local chapter of ‘Compassionate Friends’ is helpful as it is easier to talk with someone who’s gone through the same thing.

Start a foundation for your child; this is one of the most powerful things you can do to get through your grief. Plant a garden of flowers, see new growth come through the ground and you will see hope for new life is present. Getting through your grief is vital, take your time, just be positive and stay in the present, do not allow negative influences to take over.

You may have other children who are depending on you, a spouse or significant other wanting to help; let it be, let it happen, let the grieving process and those you love embrace you. Renew your thoughts of how blessed you are this most precious child graced your lives!

Article Information: LifeScript.com

“The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”

~ Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends

The words of TCF’s Founder, Simon Stephens resonate with those who have come to The Compassionate Friends hoping to find a purpose in a life that suddenly seems so empty.

Whether your family has had a child die (at any age from any cause) or you are trying to help those who have gone through this life altering experience, The Compassionate Friends exists to provide friendship, understanding, and hope to those going through the natural grieving process.

Through a network of more than 600 chapters with locations in all 50 states, as well as Washington DC and Puerto Rico, The Compassionate Friends has been supporting bereaved families after the death of a child for nearly four decades.

The National Office and its staff also provide many levels of support to our chapters, as well as individual responses to those who call on the phone, contact us through our website, or send an e-mail that simply says, “My child has died. Help me!” We will be here as long as you need us. That is our commitment to you.

Time has proven that in caring and sharing comes healing. We welcome you to The Compassionate Friends ~ “Supporting Family After a Child Dies.”

The Compassionate Friends Credo

We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends. We reach out to each other with love, with understanding, and with hope. The children we mourn have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love for them unites us. Your pain becomes my pain, just as your hope becomes my hope. We come together from all walks of life, from many different circumstances. We are a unique family because we represent many races, creeds, and relationships. We are young, and we are old. Some of us are far along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so fresh and so intensely painful that they feel helpless and see no hope. Some of us have found our faith to be a source of strength, while some of us are struggling to find answers. Some of us are angry, filled with guilt or in deep depression, while others radiate an inner peace. But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share, just as we share with each other our love for the children who have died. We are all seeking and struggling to build a future for ourselves, but we are committed to building a future together. We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well as the doubts, and help each other to grieve as well as to grow. We Need Not Walk Alone. We Are The Compassionate Friends.

©2007 The Compassionate Friends

Most of our life is spent without much thought of death or the dying process. Denial that you will ever face death directly, you avoid the subject altogether telling yourself death always happens to other people.  We find it painful, scary and unfair when we are forced to address terminal illness and death,  yet we know how important it is to make sure our loved ones have an easy time when we are gone.  We know how vital it is to prepare our family and other loved ones for an impending loss.  Good estate planning is important but is difficult to talk about when you have a loved one with a terminal illness and emotions are in over-drive.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has a book about Grief & Grieving and the stages of death and dying; her book is excellent, especially when she explains the basic emotions of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  These deep felt emotions come to the surface with the impending loss of a loved one, which can lead to lashing out at the people closest to us….our families.  If you feel yourself reaching a boiling point, take a break….go for a walk around the block or the building…..go grab a healthy snack….run a quick errand.  Emotions are very real and can hurt deeply but if you are aware of what you are feeling you then give yourself the ability to regroup.  This will help you and everyone around you thereby helping to create a more positive and relaxed environment, emotionally.

Caring For Family

With a debilitated ability to care for yourself when dealing with a terminal illness, someone else is assisting you with those daily duties.   Dressing, eating, and personal hygiene are especially uncomfortable areas as they scream ‘I need help!’ with the most intimate daily hygiene duties.  Many times a family member takes on the caretaking duties but it becomes overwhelming when the caretaker can no longer handle lifting the person into the tub, helping them to bathe; or simply helping the person with personal hygiene duties.  The caretaker may feel it is their job to take on the duties of caring for a dying loved one, but eventually it will take its toll on the caretaker, and quality time then becomes limited.  Quality time with loved ones is the most valuable gift right now.  Having positive time together as a family is a welcomed joy during this process, and having someone else change the bed and assist with caretaking duties is better for everyone.

Pain Control

Narcotics, usually morphine, are the best when a terminally ill person is at the end of their life.  The pain of trying to move just a little bit to find comfort in your chair or your bed is horrific; it can drop someone to their knees.  Physical pain MUST be managed with very strong narcotics, especially at the end of someone’s life.   It is extremely difficult watching someone you love suffer needlessly when a nurse follows prescription directions, yet there is no relief from the pain.

Mr. Glen Williams wrote a wonderful article on Terminal Illness for E-Zine where he stated  ’he felt strongly about loving family members administering pain medication instead of a licensed professional, who’s primary interest is protecting their license and malpractice premiums. These medicines need to be administered to head off pain, because once you get behind, it takes too much medicine to catch up.’…very loving and rational advice.  We know from personal experience the dying person never catches up to find needed pain relief.  HOSPICE is simply outstanding when it comes to easing the pain of a terminally ill person so seek out help from anyone that can help with getting your loved one comfortable.  Don’t stop asking questions and don’t stop seeking resolution until your loved one is pain free.

Hospice Care

HOSPICE ….a wonderful environment for a dying person; their entire purpose is to lessen the suffering of a dying person and to provide comfort and pain relief.  Make sure you select a HOSPICE care center specifically geared to the dying person, with plenty of room for family and friends to say goodbye.  We firmly believe that if the person dying is in a coma, they can still hear and understand you.  Be aware of the situation and make sure you are respectful at all times with regard to reminiscing about past events.  Keep memories limited to positive and loving events.  Remember, this is about the dying person leaving us with dignity and it is important to remember where you are and why.

Thank you to:

Glen Williams, founder and CEO of E-Home Fellowship (EHF), Inc.

While coping with the loss of a loved one is never easy, an unexpected death is particularly rough. We all know that everyone dies eventually, but we don’t expect babies, children and young adults to die. Even seniors can die unexpectedly. Coping with unexpected death is more than a grieving process: it also requires gathering family members and pulling together a funeral – all at a moment’s notice.

The first order of business is to take a few minutes to absorb what has just transpired. You’ve just been informed that a loved one has died unexpectedly: You may be numb, overcome with grief, in a state of panic or going through any number of reactions. These feelings are normal. However, you have work ahead of you – hard work.

**This is the exact reason that Graceful Goodbyes was created!  This is where Graceful Goodbyes can step in and assist with handling some of this business for you so that you can focus on dealing with your own emotions and focus on your family. (Notation added by Graceful Goodbyes, LLC and is not part of original article.)

What To Do When A Loved One Dies Unexpectedly

If an unexpected death takes place at home, either call 911 or your local police or fire station, even if the death was peaceful. Most states require a police or fire report for the medical examiner or coroner. Once the emergency call has been made, consider who needs to know about the death right away. For example, if your husband suddenly dies, you will need to help any children living with you during this difficult time as well as call his parents and any adult children living elsewhere.

If your loved one was injured or killed and transported to a hospital, you may be asked about organ donation. This decision may have previously been discussed between you and your loved one or you may need to make the decision now, on your own. Despite your loved one’s wishes, not all bodies are suitable for donating organs. This could be due to the trauma or nature of the death. Once the decision has been made, the hospital will either prepare the body for donation or will send the body to the medical examiner.

While the body is being examined by the medical examiner, you have a little time to start considering funeral homes and notifying others of the unexpected death.

**Graceful Goodbyes can assist you with locating a funeral home and notifying family and friends of the unexpected loss. (Notation added by Graceful Goodbyes, LLC and is not part of original article.)

Notifying Loved Ones of an Unexpected Death

If you’re the deceased’s next of kin, you have a responsibility to notify others. However, this doesn’t mean you must do it on your own. Enlist the help of a good friend to do this task for you. While some calls might be best coming from you, most people will understand if you have a good friend, spouse or sibling call on your behalf.

Who should be called? Immediate family and relatives, close friends, and the deceased’s employer or school administrator. In addition, if the deceased was religious, you will need to contact the priest, rabbi, minister or other religious leader.

Where should you look for phone numbers? If you’re the spouse, you’ll likely know who to call and where to find the phone numbers. But what if you’re not? Address books, cell phone listings and other family members are a good starting point.

The phone calls can be brief. It may help to have a list of what information should be relayed, such as the nature of the death (if you wish to reveal it), anticipated funeral date and funeral-home arrangements.

If you don’t want to go into detail about the nature of the death, you are not obligated. However, people are curious and will ask, “How did he die?” or “What happened?” Be prepared by coming up with an answer you feel comfortable with. For example, if the death was a drug overdose and you don’t want to or aren’t ready to divulge the details, you might answer along the lines of “he died unexpectedly at home” or “he died in his sleep.”

How to Choose a Funeral Home

The hospital or medical examiner may have a list of reputable funeral homes you can call. Before you begin your search, learn about the “Funeral Rule,” which is enforced by the Federal Trade Commission. The hospital may have brochures available covering this rule and your rights, or you can find information about it online at the FTC.gov website. This rule protects your rights as a consumer who is both bereaved and under a time crunch.

If you know the wishes of the deceased, such as a preference for cremation or burial, this will help narrow the list of funeral homes. For example, if your loved one preferred to be cremated and wanted his ashes scattered at sea, you won’t need a full-service funeral home. Likewise, if your loved one had purchased a burial plot and prearranged his funeral, you will need to find the related documents and contact the funeral home or mortuary through which these arrangements were made.

When going to the funeral home, take along a good friend, spiritual leader or co-worker who has business sense and isn’t as grief-stricken as you are. Not only will you have support, but someone with your best interests will be there to help you make decisions.

Other Tasks

Another concern when coping with an unexpected death is arranging for support. If the deceased had small children, child care may need to be arranged. If the deceased had pets, someone may need to take care of them for a short time.

When dealing with an unexpected death, it helps to bring your family together and delegate tasks. Everyone wants to help, but often they don’t know what to do. Give them specific jobs, such as writing the obituary and publishing it in the newspaper or keeping track of funeral expenses.

As more people find out about the unexpected death, the phone will begin to ring. If possible, have someone else handle calls on your behalf and take messages. Consider using the call forward function of your home phone and forwarding all calls to this designated person. This person can screen the calls, answer questions and let you know if you need to call someone back.

Your doorbell will also be ringing with flower deliveries, helpful neighbors dropping off prepared meals and other visitors. Assign someone other than yourself to answer the door. Otherwise, between the phone calls and deliveries, you’ll be exhausted and won’t have time to arrange the funeral or take time for yourself.

All deaths, even unexpected, come with a huge paperwork burden. You must obtain multiple copies of the death certificate and notify Social Security, Medicare, banks, pensions and other agencies. In addition, you may need to act as the executor of the estate or work with probate lawyers.

The days immediately following an unexpected death are often a blur, with much to do and little time to grieve your loss. Gather your family and friends close and accept their support. Keep in mind that these people are sad, too. Delegate tasks and support each other through this difficult time. Work together to create a funeral or memorial service that honors the deceased and gives all immediate family members a way to say goodbye.

**Graceful Goodbyes can assist with creating a personal and caring obituary, as well as notifying necessary government agencies such as Social Security and  Medicare.  In addition,  we will notify banks, insurance companies and various investment and pension plans.  With your guidance and input, Graceful Goodbyes will design a personal online letterhead and create a letter using the information you provide and further assist you with mailing notifications to the necessary agencies in a timely manner.  We were created to assist families in this very situation and hope that our services will make this painful time in your lives just a little bit easier.

**Notation added by Graceful Goodbyes, LLC and is not part of original article.

By Celeste Stewart, LifeScript.com

There aren’t any “shoulds” with respect with how grief is felt or expressed. It’s common for people who have lost a spouse or someone close to feel sad, angry, helpless, guilty, anxious, lonely and frightened. It is also common to experience a sense of shock or numbness, especially if the death was sudden and unexpected. All of these feelings are normal, though not pleasant; they are all part of the process of grief. The key is to accept your feelings, whatever they may be, and not deny them or push them away. This may be very difficult, since it can be quite painful to allow yourself to experience grief.

Generally speaking, common emotions of grief are:

• Shock. At first, it may be difficult to accept that your loved one has died. Some survivors cry, but others are too numb. They’re in shock. Shock acts as a defense against the painful feelings associated with loss. Shock is nature’s way of helping us through what otherwise seems unbearable.
• Disorganization. As shock lessens, feelings of uncertainty, confusion or disorganization often set in. All of the activities associated with everyday life may seem unimportant given the major loss you’ve experienced. A person’s normal routine is now forever changed. Given this, it is sometimes helpful for the grieving person to plan each day. It may be important not to over plan, however, so that you will still have time for to be alone and reflect, and time to talk to loved ones about your feelings.
• Volatile emotions. Anger, bitterness, hostility and resentment are common emotions experienced by a grieving person. These feelings may come on suddenly and without explanation, or may emerge gradually. These types of feelings, while uncomfortable, are no cause for shame. It’s best just to accept your emotions and express them in healthy ways.
• Guilt. Feelings of guilt and anger may occur at the same time. Some people may feel guilty because of their angry feelings. Others feel guilty about something that was said or done that is now regretted. Still others may experience guilt if they believe they could have done something to prevent the deceased person’s illness or death. Such nagging thoughts often begin with “if only” or “what if.” If only we had called the doctor sooner. What if we had recognized the symptoms earlier? It is important to try to counteract these thoughts by acknowledging positive actions such as “I went out of my way to make dad comfortable,” or “We had some good laughs talking about our memories.” When working through your feeling of guilt be open to confiding these thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend or relative. If individuals find themselves feeling guilty and angry for long periods and can’t seem to move on, it’s important to consult with a professional.
• Loss and loneliness. This is often the most painful of emotions and involves acknowledging the significance of the loss. Many people will feel depressed and will withdraw from activities they previously enjoyed. They may feel a sense of emptiness and lack of purpose. They may notice constant reminders of their loss–an empty chair, a photograph, a piece of mail addressed to the deceased, etc. It is important to keep in contact with friends and relatives you can lean on and confide in. Some people find it useful to seek the help of a professional counselor or a support group to help them through this difficult time.
• Relief and recovery. Feelings of relief and a sense that the worst is over come with the realization that life will go on and that you’ll be alright. It is important to realize that feeling relief in no way diminishes the loss you have experienced. It simply marks the beginning of recovery.

Adapted with permission from GriefWorks, Sam Quick, Professor Emeritus, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service.

When death occurs unexpectedly, survivors are typically in a state of shock. It’s later that they begin to feel the full impact of the loss. At this time, any expression of grief is important. Initially, listening is probably the greatest gift you can give your friend. Let her know that she and her feelings are important to you and that you’re willing to be there for her in whatever way she needs you. Do not hesitate to speak her husband’s or special person’s name or to talk about the person. Let her know how much the person meant to you and to others. It will be meaningful for you to share your memories of the person with her.

If you feel it’s appropriate, ask how you might help organize activities related to the funeral. It’s best to avoid offering advice. Instead, guide her gently or serve as a sounding board as she makes decisions. You might help with activities such as:

• Contacting your friend’s spiritual leader
• Notifying extended family, friends, or business associates of the death and funeral arrangements
• Arranging overnight stays for guests; deciding who will meet those arriving at the airport
• Listing tasks: errands to be run, purchases to be made, phone calls to be made
• Preparing and/or coordinating food for guests

You may wish to help organize a system for keeping track of acts of kindness from family and friends. Note who brought food and flowers. Keep track of phone calls with expressions of grief. Organize cards. As the pace picks up, join with others in following through on planned activities.

The weeks and months to come will likely be very lonely and demanding. Your friendship can help significantly as your friend copes during this difficult time.

Adapted with permission from GriefWorks, Sam Quick, Professor Emeritus, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service.